Monday, January 28, 2008

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stoopid...

"Well, I'm back"

I've been in Dublin the past 10 days. Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin, seachas, mo thinteán. Back in October I decided that I'd be better off cutting Christmas in Dublin in favour of waiting for the Trinity IV. Good choice. Best fun I've had in months. I met a lot of new people but you'll have to excuse me, I've a terrible face for names. 'Specky' they call me, and 'bandy nose'...

Stopped for some food in the airport before I got the bus home, typically the food was cold, I made a complaint and the woman says to me "I'm sorry, I don't work here", then she just walks off towards the exit. Ignorant bitch. Niall's bidet on Friday started the week off with a bang, and a kip on his couch, (3 months away from home and I couldn't even stay on the Northside for one night).

Saturday, went out with some guys from Aughrim Street. Back to Nat's house and 'Cars' in HD, another night on a couch in a residence that wasn't mine. On the way home stopped off at the GMB for some IV cinematography. I still got the funny. Later on Sunday, Christmas dinner with the family, and I met my 13 month old niece for the second time.

The rest of the week was taking up by all things debate. Schoolies on Monday on about pharmaceuticals in the third world. Twas my first attendance at a debate in months, I remember it like it was tomorrow. Wednesday, judging workshop, first opp-ed banning private schools, with Ctolm. He and I both did 6 years in C.U.S., but not at the same time. F*ck me I'm old! - to borrow from Hefner parlance.

Wednesday night chaired private business again, It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it. Then did my second speech in a row in the chamber without notes, this one on immigration. Good times.

Thursday came the workload, The Kingsmill-Moore invitational, which surprisingly didn't have a Hist team, myself and Costigan having decided to let the Earley Brothers compete instead. I'm kind of nice like that sometimes. Oh in case I forget I've got a great story involving Costigan and some Sheep, but I'll save that for a later date. The last week in April, perhaps. Set up the Hist Conversation room for the feeding of the fifty, let Jamie think he was making the decisions, god bless him! The motion for the final was "That this house would abolish private property", and became a Capitalism/Communism argument. The GMB is a lot like a commune. Except without the free love or the Jonestown-style mass suicides.

Friday, I paid fees for second half of the year, not so good times.

The powers that be decided I was worthy of a Trinity student card (the fools!). Headed back over to The GMB where there was work to be done. Not for the first time in my life I was packing. A little later it was my finger on the button to play said IV Videos. The films were shot in the GMB, as the director should have been. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers, or the ability of people in large numbers to misread webpages, scrolled at an acceptable rate, in which their only job is to get a room number, and a position in a debate. Meanwhile Chris (4 Ents) & Orla were running around looking for a good beating stick, but they soon found out the main problem about running an IV, you just can't get the staff.

Saturday, packed my bag for Sunday's flight and went back to the GMB, where else, for some more button pushing. However due to the reluctance of a team from NUIG to turn up on day 2 of the IV, myself and Darren got to Dummy in two rounds. We'll be competing in the Tilbury House IV in Cologne in March so it was good practice. Last year we racked up 10 points dummying, this year we got 5 from two rounds. We still have it. I love dummy speaking almost as much as after-dinner streaking. It's not that I like the sound of my own voice, it's just that I like hearing myself speak. The first motion centred around a guy who wanted to drive the Jews into the sea, but not the way Moses did it, he actually wants to get them wet. It was while I was comparing the Iranian President's legitimacy to that of The King of say, Spain, that I on at least four occasions said "The King Of France", but would anyone have the courtesy to tell me what I was saying? No bleeding way. Of course it wouldn't be the last time i said summit stupid on that day.

Ross and Maggs walked away with all the prize money, but they were caught and made to return it.

Saturday night, another great final and night out. Unfortunately, I dance like I wank: it's fun, but it's not advisable in public*. After a few long goodbyes I left the club with a fwown on my face.

The next morning it was off to Belgium, not Spain with me for another few months. I've got a strange feeling I'll be back soon: I wish I knew how to quit you, (as Heath Ledger said to his dealer). A funny thing happened on the way back, but not to me.

It was cold when I got back, I made a pair of snow-shoes, but the heat of my feet melted them. Oh dear, what a pity never mind.

Went downstairs to the train station under the airport and bought my ticket back to LLN, "change in Leuven" they told me, why I couldn't just get it there, I'll never know.

I leave you with the latest bit of good news for fat people: thin people are delicious!

*(I was considering using the phrase "human consumption" there, but that would have been tasteless.)

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Nominations for the Irish Blog awards are open for 2008. If you would like to nominate this blog then visit

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Friday, January 11, 2008

Death of a Kiwi.

Sir Edmund Hillary, conqueror of Everest, died today a rich man.

Apparantly he made a whole mill out of a mountain.

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

Dear All:

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year....

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towl with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the EUR15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split EUR7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died in testate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,207 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward the email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat while I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the EUR5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my care to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way ... a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ's who have infrequent sexual activiy always read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Where The F*ck is Godot?

I was intending to update this thing more often over the holidays, but access to the Computer rooms are limited because the college is broken up for winter: they're using it as firewood.

The time between the end of term and the exams (and the ten day return to Dublin) is dragging out. I've been studying a lot recently, studying and facebook-ing, to the detriment of my fridge, which is presently as empty as a BESS girl's brain. There were times over the last few weeks that I would have killed for a chinese; of course I would killed that chinese, but at least I would have appreciated him first.

Studying's going pretty well, and the videos of the lectures really help in the recall progress. That said, there are perhaps a bit too many, and the archiving system is not the most efficient. Every morning, I find the librarian blowing the dust off his extensive footage. He tells me that due to cutbacks he has had to share an office with 6 female colleagues, but he wasn't complaining. (and after the first day, neither were they. I'm not going to say what happened, sufficed to say they looked at the photocopier with a whole new attitude in the morning nudge nudge wink wink)

Students in the library tend to take this whole pre-exam thing pretty seriously. On Friday I accidentally knocked a heavy book off a shelf.A horror-filled silence filled the room with silence and horror. I must escape at once, if not twice.

Seems that stuffy old libraries are not the place for me. So I'm just going to settle down to watch the local game shows. I'm a big fan of "Name That Barcode" - thick black, thick white, thin black, thick white - you get the idea.

To end with a joke, breaking the habit of a lifetime:
What is the most common Owl in Ireland?
The teat owl (!)

I'm not much of an ornithologist... more of a word botcher.

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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Keeping up with the Joneses


203 lbs. (but post-dinner), alcohol units 0 (includes New Year's Eve), GameBoy hrs 5.

Food consumed today:

1 Kg Lasagne
8 fish fingers
2 packets of wine gums (250 gms)

Noon. LLN: my flat. Ugh. The last thing on earth I feel physically, emotionally or mentally equipped to do is study. Have decided that it's time to finally finish Link's Awakening on the GB. My mother texted me last night wants me to ring home like a good little boy. Must get onto that sometime soon.

11:45 p.m. Ugh. First day of New Year has been much like last few days of last one. Cannot quite believe I am once again starting the year in a single bed on my own. It is too humiliating at my age. I wonder if they'll smell it nextdoor if I have a fart out of the window. Having skulked at home all day, hoping hangover I could clear said game, I eventually gave up and set off for the kitchen for a Lasagne a la Fish Fingers. Felt rather bloated afterwards.

I racked my brain frantically to think when I last had a proper stool. The trouble with having a small room is that their very few places to put a large chair, so the stool would have to do. I'm halfway through a very satisfying shite at the moment. Very satisfying.

1 a.m. Oh, why am I so unattractive? Why? Even a man who wears bumblebee socks gets more "action" than I do. At least I think that's what these young people are calling it these days. I'm not that bad really. I was recently described as a renaissance man, by someone who hasn't quite grasped what century we're living in. Hate the New Year. Hate everyone. Anyway, have got giant tray-sized bar of Milkybar left over from Christmas on dressing table, also amusing game of Police Quest to get back to. Yesterday I was bored so I typed in "remove clothes", screen goes blank, 'game over', but it's too late I've seen everything.

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Tuesday, January 1, 2008

1/1/8 1/1/8 Got your number!

It seems that someone likes my work. I checked the mail today on the off-chance that the iPod had been delayed. No such luck but I did get a letter from a local bookshop with their own printing house. I've finally been offered a book deal! I have to decide before the end of January, but they tell me I can get 20% off all books!!!

It's amazing the things you think about when you're supposed to be studying. For instance today I was throwing my pen in the air and trying to catch it when I started to wonder why it grew larger the closer it got, and then, it hit me.

So, as the short-sighted terrier of Time chases the startled stick insect of Hope, and
the supple daschund of Fate is knotted by the absent-minded balloon magician of
Eternity, it's time to go…