to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

Dear All:

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year....

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towl with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the EUR15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split EUR7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died in testate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,207 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward the email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat while I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the EUR5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my care to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way ... a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ's who have infrequent sexual activiy always read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.